Friday Favorites...Casting Roles

“It is letting go of the dream, the idea / concept, of the relationship that causes the most grief in every relationship break up that I have ever worked with.  We give power and energy to the mental construct of what we want the relationship to be and cannot even begin to see the situation and the other person clearly. Far too often - because of the concept of toxic / addictive love we are taught in this society - it is the idea of the other person that we fall in love with, not the actual person.  It is so important to us to cast someone in the role of Prince or Princess that we focus on who we want them to be - not on who they really are.  In our relationship with our self, we attach so much importance to getting the relationship that we are dishonest with ourselves - and with the other person - in order to manifest the dream / concept of relationship that will fix us / make our life worthwhile.  Then we end up feeling like a victim when the other person does not turn out to be the person we wanted." -
​The True Nature of Love - part 4, Energetic Clarity”  ~Robert Burney

Happy Friday beautiful hearts!  As we celebrate the month of February, the clearest associate seems to be with the notion of love.   As a society we 'love' love! I know I love love!  Being in love.  Creating love.  Expressing love.  Experiencing love.  Sharing love.  As we look towards our romantic relationships, it can be all too easy to cast our partner as the leading 'Prince' or 'Princess,' and then be sorely disappointed when they don't meet all of our projected needs.  We begin to idealize our romantic relationship.  Perhaps we feel needy or desperate.  Maybe one day we wake up in a fit of rage because we hate vanilla ice cream, but we have been smiling and nodding in agreement with our partner for the past 10 years and we can't take it anymore.  We are not a vanilla type person.  Sound familiar? 

I will be the first to admit that I am in total recovery mode when it comes to having a co-dependent nature, but I will say there is hope!  I have been working with my teachers over the past several years and I am discovering a language and a way of being that is free of shame and needing the approval of others.  I have been the girl that shouted, "You make me feel...."  I have used shame to manipulate.  I have treated myself with disrespect as I attempted to stereotype my emotions, "I have it all together and I never get angry."  Bullshit!  We all have a propensity towards anger, but how can we express it in a healthy way?  Let's be real so that we can heal!!  

​I discovered the work of Robert Burney and his book is changing my relationship towards co-dependency.  So what does co-dependency look like? We learn these behaviors in childhood.  Take a breath friends.  We can't change what we don't acknowledge, and we are not victims, we are victors!

So here's what it looks like from Robert Burney:

• Emotional Dishonesty - keep up appearances and don't show vulnerability.  
• As children we learned that we had power over other people's feelings ( you make me angry, you hurt my feelings, etc.)
• Being emotional is considered negative (falling apart, loosing it coming unglued)
• Gender stereotypes set twisted, unhealthy models for acceptable emotional behavior.  (real men don't cry, it is not lady like to get angry)
• Parents without healthy self esteem see their children as extensions of self that can be either assets or deficits in their own quest for self worth.
• Shame, manipulations, verbal and emotional abuse are considered standard tools for behavior modification in a loving relationship.
• Long embedded societal attitudes support the belief that it is shameful (to be human make mistakes, not be perfect, to be selfish, etc.)

Lets keep talking and growing.  Exploring and expressing.  Lets support one another as we do our personal work so that we can be in right relationship with ourselves so that we can be in right relationship with another!  

May You Sweetly Seek:)
In Gratitude, 
​Sarah