~Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
By: Robert Burney
Chapter 7- Come Here, Go Away
"boring and incredibly painful repeating patterns"
The way one dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a 'come here'- 'go away' cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I don't love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me- and if someone doesn't love me then I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are tying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.
What is normal and natural in many romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with the abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needs and clinging- which causes the other person to pull away- which causes the first person to cling more- which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with the abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves- which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again..."