"We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame and rage energy from our childhood, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional. When someone 'pushes your buttons,' he/she is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy. She/he is gouging the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on top of those original wound by repeating behavior patterns."
~Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
~Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Romantic Relationships~ The Greatest Arenas for Spiritual and Emotional Growth
By: Robert Burney
Chapter 7- Come Here, Go Away
"boring and incredibly painful repeating patterns"
By: Robert Burney
Chapter 7- Come Here, Go Away
"boring and incredibly painful repeating patterns"
"As long as we haven't healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room-but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds. Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now. When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.
The way one dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a 'come here'- 'go away' cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I don't love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me- and if someone doesn't love me then I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are tying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.
What is normal and natural in many romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with the abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needs and clinging- which causes the other person to pull away- which causes the first person to cling more- which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with the abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves- which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again..."
The way one dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a 'come here'- 'go away' cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I don't love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me- and if someone doesn't love me then I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are tying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.
What is normal and natural in many romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with the abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needs and clinging- which causes the other person to pull away- which causes the first person to cling more- which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with the abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves- which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again..."
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